Big Law Squeals Like A Pig

Allegedly high-powered law firms prove they can't even defend themselves

“The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.” – William Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part II

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Jack Cade is leading a rebellion against King Henry when his right-hand man, Jack the Butcher, famously suggests killing all the lawyers.

What a great idea: Make people stupid again.

Here’s an interpretation of William Shakespeare’s 1500s-vintage line from Literary Hub:

“Cade and Dick are aggressively anti-intellectual; they kill anyone who can read and burn all the books and documents they encounter. They know that they’ll be able to take over an ignorant population with greater ease than one where everyone understands their rights.”

Who knew you didn’t actually have to kill the lawyers? All you have to do is threaten them and even the most high-powered national law firms will cower like hapless city boys lost in the woods.

President Donald Trump has menaced some of the nation’s top law firms for investigating him and taking up causes he opposes, like anything that might involve a Democrat or a marginalized population.

His executive orders against these firms include denying access to federal government buildings such as court houses, revoking needed security clearances and denying government contracts. They are likely unconstitutional, according to at least one federal judge, and legal challenges to these unprecedented orders will probably prevail in court.

Yet instead of defending their rights, their profession, the rule of law, and the U.S. Constitution, some giant firms have bent over and squealed like pigs – in a manner more shameful than the rape scene in the 1972 film, “Deliverance.”

“Looks like we got us a sow here instead of a boar.” (Illustration: AI generated.)

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The horror began on March 20 when Democrat-leaning firm Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison reached an agreement to provide $40 million in legal work on Trump-approved causes. It also agreed to get rid of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion practices and represent people who’ve not been able to retain major national law firms – and it’s not hard to guess who that means.

The deal sent shock waves throughout the legal industry. Presidents can’t tell law firms who they can and can not represent – can they?

On March 28, Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom LLP, agreed to a $100 million capitulation. Trump wasn’t even targeting the firm. It simply offered up its allegiance out of fear.

Its partners must have heard the banjo music. “Deliverance” features one of the most painful-to-watch scenes in all of cinematic history, yet not quite as painful as watching the nation’s most prestigious law firms bend over: “What's the matter, boy? I bet you can squeal. I bet you can squeal like a pig.”

On Tuesday, Willkie Farr & Gallagher, also made a $100 million capitulation to Trump. This is the law firm where Kamala Harris’ husband Doug Emhoff now works. It’s also known for representing former Georgia election workers in their lawsuit against Trump ally Rudy Giuliani.

“Come here, piggy, piggy, piggy. Come on, piggy, come on, piggy, come on, piggy, give me a ride, a ride. Hey, boy. Get up and give me a ride.”

On Wednesday, Milbank LLP reached a $100 million agreement with Trump. Like Skadden, Arps, Trump wasn’t even targeting the the firm. But it was good for the executive-order-happy president because this is where MSNBC legal analyst and former acting solicitor general of the United States Neal Katyal works – a frequent Trump critic.

“Squeal. Squeal louder. Louder. Louder, louder. Louder! Louder! Louder! Get down now, boy. There, get them britches down.”

“They’re all bending and saying, ‘Sir, thank you very much,’” Trump said last week. “Law firms are just saying: ‘Where do I sign? Where do I sign?’”